“Being a mother is learning about strengths you didn’t know you had and dealing with fears you didn’t know existed.” ~ Linda Wooten
Today was all about being Mom. In Gia’s world, I am just about everything to her except when she is on Instagram. We laugh, snuggle, dance and sing, hug, hold hands, shop, you name it. She is my world too and my love for her is like nothing else experienced.
Children have a way of reinventing your life. I feared for a long time about having children, especially a girl, because of my eating disorder. Would I genetically pass it on to her? If my behaviors continued, would she eventually pick up on them? How would she ultimately view me? But the day she was born changed me forever. Yes, it took some time for my ways to improve but she was the driving force. And now after conquering one fear, we are dealing with another.
Gia’s perception of “Mommy losing her hair” is heartbreaking. A child’s reality at age 11 is confusing at best. She is still a bit too young to fully grasp the situation but yet old enough to know that the symbol of this sickness is the hair loss. Children of course think their parents are invincible – aren’t we? Never sick, always upbeat, providing the love, affection and reassurance that we will always be there. Needless to say, her world has been rocked.
We continually navigate the hair loss challenge and today I shared with Gia my new beanie cap with its fashionable scarf. She managed a good chuckle when I first placed it on my head but then proceeded to ask how often I would wear it. “Please Mommy, wear your wig as often as possible”, she stated. Summer camp is in one week and by the time she returns, I will be in that wig. Gia asked if I could hold out on my hair cut until she is away so she can remember me as “Mom”. Your wish is my command Peanut!
I would give anything to take her pain away even if it meant that I had to experience more physical pain throughout my treatment. To expect too much from her right now is unfair. So the only thing I can do is give her as much of me to quiet those crazy thoughts that I can see looking deep into her eyes. Gia eventually won’t remember these days but she will remember moments. Thus our source of happiness throughout this journey will be in the world we create surrounding us…and the moments.