Day 4 // “But you are so healthy!”


I no longer have enough fingers to count the number of times that statement has been said to me.  But it’s OK because the place that it comes from is truly a compliment as to one’s perception of how my life has been led. It wasn’t always this way as I battled an eating disorder for 26 years that took me down some extremely unhealthy paths. However, the last 10 years have been marked by improved patterns, healthier food choices and always a love for physical activity.

When I do ponder that statement, it very well can lead me or anyone to question “why?”.  Early on in my diagnosis I promised there would be no questions where God had put periods. So my answer to “why” is this – the hand is dealt now play it smart and stay strong.

No one is exempt from cancer. We all have those not-so-nice cells inside us.  How they form and why of course is a mystery to many, including those in the medical field.  Having read a few articles and excerpts from books on its prevention, lo and behold I was doing everything right. That discovery, needless to say, sent me in spiral shortly before my first treatment. The “why?” wanted so desperately to explode from every part of my body. A promise is a promise and I would not allow it.

I did, however, begin to think about my conversation with my doctor regarding her best guess as to when the 4.0cm tumor might have began its growth. Something so small causing so much pain. The presumed timeline led back to a very stressful time just under a year ago. Could stress have actually been the trigger?  The internal anxiety that fuels us negatively and we just can’t let go. Again, not wanting to question, I have to walk away.

Avoiding those thoughts found me cleaning, grocery shopping, working and making homemade power peanut butter. Day 4 was supposed to mark my first day of fatigue.  Well it surely wasn’t physical weariness that would be my fight today!