Twenty-six years of darkness – shame, fear, isolation. Hiding behind all that I was or could be, too scared to confront the enemy. But the enemy was my friend – my best friend. We were partners in crime, literally, robbing myself and others of the love, respect and happiness we all deserved.
Miserable in my own shadows, my mask for the world showed otherwise. Bright, fun, energetic and smart – sure I had everyone fooled. Or so I thought. There were some in my life that caught on to my game. Quickly, however, they were dismissed. I could not be found out as that would ruin the paint that masked the years of abuse, guilt and anger.
Tired and weary, my body was slowly surrendering. It could no longer sustain the vicious cycle put to it daily – usually 3 or as many as 7 times a day binging and purging. Broken in pieces with a junkyard heart, my mind longed for serenity. But tranquility seemed elusive until one night – the night – that my life headed down the road of transparency.
You see, my life had crumbled and the mask was peeling. It had been chipping for quite some time but now pieces were falling off…too many tears over too many years. Face it Beth – the “functional” (or rather dysfunctional) life you built was a house of cards.
There was only one thing left to do. It was time…
Praying for something – anything! – from God one evening had me on my knees. “Help” was the only word I had the energy to muster. And that was all that needed to be said.
Almost 5 years ago, I surrendered my eating disorder to something far greater than I could imagine. Along the road to recovery, transparency was paramount in order to break free from the shackles placed upon myself. Beginning to see the light was refreshing – for me and my loved ones. As clarity took over, the mask wore off and “Beth” emerged. Forgiveness would be necessary to glue my heart back together but somehow I could not absolve the mistakes…until my diagnosis.
A letter written to myself regarding “forgiveness” as part of an exercise with my Crossroad’s body image group during the time of testing for cancer arrived in the mail today (the letter was sent by a third party randomly).
And during the midst of another storm, its arrival was welcomed as a reminder that the light from my transparency coming out of one storm would carry me through this next one.
106 Days of Chemo…106 Days of Transparency