Day 26 // Relinquished


The days following the diagnosis had my emotions trekking through the Amazon. Numb with the news, frightened of the severity and heartbroken for Gia, my body moved though motions while my mind was locked in a dense haze.

I awoke Sunday at the usual 5:00 AM only to flounce back in bed allowing myself a long overdue break. Today felt different – the fog was beginning to lift and my ugly reality slowly replacing it. Sleep would be the only option to hide from the surreal but my mind was racing as if I were about to win a gold medal in the 100 meter dash. Attempting to shake off this nightmare, I immersed myself in thoughtless house chores to avoid the darkness.

Outside, however, was the most beautiful spring day gifted upon us – comfortable temperatures, breezy and of course sunshine. We had been invited to a party but I just could not bring myself to attend. My heart was not yet prepared to face many of the Bella Forza ladies in attendance so avoiding it, while unfair, was the only choice. Thoughts had been wandering to the operation of the studio and relinquishing control was not a road I was ready to travel. But the plans had been made for me.

Was it about renouncing my claim to the place that has brought me such comfort, sanity, peace of mind? Or was it that the hope and renewed passion that filled my life because of BFF would be viciously pulled out from underneath because of the cancer? I gave to it and it’s given “me” back. The thought of being selfish at that moment seemed unfathomable.

David and I opted to play nine holes while Gia attended a picnic. The golf course has always been a safe haven for me – basking in the sun, my mind at peace – just me against me. My shot off the first tee fumbled a bit traveling not more than one hundred yards. With a head shake, I reminded myself that trusting my swing was necessary. Pulling out my “go to” 5-wood on the second shot, I struck the most incredible ball landing on the green in two – a first for me on that hole! At that moment I didn’t care if I was putting for birdie or par – because in that moment trust had been relinquished.

Shortly before swinging the club I had silently prayed that my faith would carry me through this journey I was about to embark on. Evoked by a friend that “You can acknowledge fear like a stop sign; and then proceed forward”, I told God I was pressing ahead relinquishing my family, Bella Forza and fate to him. And he answered back in fine fashion – in a language completely understood by me – a perfect golf shot. Faith was clearly on my side.

And it’s that one shot that I will always hold on to gently reminding me of a FB post made three weeks prior to my diagnosis.

Rekindling my love for golf on this gorgeous evening. I love playing the game because it’s so much like life. Every hole is a new chapter – either carrying the momentum forward from the previous hole or starting fresh. Occasionally someone gives you a mulligan, just like in life when someone gives you a second chance. Sand traps, water, hills and side hill lies are a few of the obstacles to overcome. But the big one, the real one, is you. It’s you vs. you on the links. And just like life, you are the only person that can decide the outcome. #‎lifeisagameplayit