Day 95 // Where I Belong


Too exhausted to write much last night, thoughts from yesterday are still fresh on my mind.

My last four Fridays have been spent in and out of sleep from 6 PM on. The cumulative effect of radiation treatment wears on me – as it would anyone. Although sometimes I wonder if it’s the every day trip to and from the hospital, waiting to receive treatment and having time to ponder that is more tiring.

Yesterday however was an experience with the first of three vaginal radiation treatments. My doctor warned I would be underwhelmed with it. And while he was right, body parts were still mangled, CT scan performed, waiting and more waiting, tubes inserted, radiation set afire – all while six doctors and nurses watched or assisted.

A message appeared on my phone shortly before the doctor attached my tube to the radiation device. It was from a dear friend who is with child. Her words reminded me of what I fight for and tolerate with this journey. As much as she is excited to become a mother, she is equally terrified. And according to her, my posts give her courage.

Overwhelmed from the message, at that moment she was the one providing me strength. Tears streamed down the side of my face while the song “Red, Red Wine” crackled over the radio piped in the treatment room – I could have used at least three glasses at that point!

Then thoughts of Gia swirled in my head. It was “Bring a Special Guest” day at school and I had been her first choice. But because of this crazy diagnosis, so much of her life has been put on hold and today was no different. Instead my sister Annette, all too familiar with “c”, was Gia’s companion – I could not ask for a better substitute.

Sigh…strong is the only option, I remind myself. Gathering my thoughts, clothes and dignity, I race out of the Barrett Center.

Every day is one step closer to the other side…this is not where I belong.