Shock was never a word that I could use to describe myself until the day I found out about the cancer.
Waking up at my usual 4:45 AM, the morning was filled with quotes to type for David, emails to respond to, laundry to fold and the usual school routine with Gia. Attempting to keep my mind occupied, it kept wandering to a dark place. My heart and body both knew…it was my mind that just wanted to hear it. Call it intuition, suspicion, insight. Whatever the term, the moment my gynecologist discovered the cervical lesion, I knew. And there was no question in my mind.
After dropping Gia off at school, I headed to train. Of course the one time I needed to use the restroom before my workout the doctor’s office called. Rushing outside, away from others and I guess in some ways myself, I attempted to return the call only to be put on hold for what seemed like a million years. Finally deciding that my state of mind would be in a better place to receive news, any news, I resumed my workout with the intention of calling the doctor once again afterwards. That day, “the day” was undoubtedly one of my best in terms of PRs. How could it not be with my heart racing faster than any car Danica Patrick would ever drive!
The waiting game began…8 minutes of on-hold music sending me over the edge. Parking my car at Lunken Airport because my hands were too shaky to keep steady on the wheel, I watched several airplanes take off thinking I wanted to be on one. Swept away as if this were a wild dream from which I was about to awaken. And Rebecca’s voice did just that.
“Beth, we need you to come in today. How soon can you be at our offices?”
Silence…dead silence…stomach dropped…body froze…
With a deep breath, I replied that 1:00 PM would work. A short conversation, nothing more necessary. Rebecca knew…and so did I. Tears streamed down my face; numbness covered my body. My heart as heavy as the weight I was lifting earlier; my mind was as blank as white paper. The questions wanted to flow but I would not allow. A promise was a promise – one that I needed to keep.
Finding myself in the parking lot of Bella Forza, I’m still not sure how I managed to drive there. Maybe God had been steering the wheel. After all, he is in control. Parking in my usual spot and reflecting on life, a smile graced my face while warmth filled my heart.
Today was about trust and belief. Yes, I had known that something was not right. Yes, I had feared that it was cancer. Yet, somehow I knew that God was taking me down a path that he had been preparing me for with a foundation of grit and grace. My next battle, another test – whatever it was, I had resigned myself to understand my lot in life. If I can overcome a 26-year eating disorder, surely I can crush cancer as my faith would carry me. It was that simple. And to make it more complicated would give the cancer power. Rest assured, I was NOT about to do that!
What could have been an upside down day was really right-side up. And “why?” you might ask? Somehow, someway, my intuition once again was kicking in. But this time, it was sending positive vibes:)